“On Wanderlust”
I recently wrote a post (on my other blog) about my love for travel and obsession to live abroad one day. It’s a great depiction of how my mind works when hooked “on wanderlust.” It got me thinking of how my love for adventure affects my life of a highly sensitive person. You would think these two worlds are at the complete opposite spectrum’s and what you least expect for an hsp. I’m not saying that us hsp’s are boring but if you are anything like me, you like to know where you stand, you hate surprises and need to feel in control of your surroundings. So why do I love the thrill of always wanting to live some place new and have this strong desire for change all the time?
At first I have to admit, my want to move constantly was a coping mechanism used to escape my problems. If I didn’t like a job, I would move to a new state. Looking back I think I was trying to escape that life that I set up. It was like putting on a pair of pants. If I didn’t like the way they fit off they went and on to the next one. Let’s face it, I hate confrontation. What a way to get rid of the problem without having to deal with the problem. Now that I’ve realized this, I can make a more conscious decision of what is at the root of the situation and fix that. Okay, well that’s sorted but I STILL have the desire to move.
I hate the idea of being stagnant and not growing and experiencing life. I want to take in as much as I possibly can before I die. This coming from an hsp, I know. We’ve lived in Boston for 3 years now and what I love most is just to be at home tucked away in my own little world. I’m not out there every day “experiencing” things but I guess when I think about it, when I do go out I make it meaningful and isn’t that what being a highly sensitive person is all about?
I’ve moved from Pennsylvania to San Francisco and then to Boston. Each move was incredibly difficult. Uprooting your whole life was hard. A new job, new environment, no friends or anything of comfort around. It’s way too much stimulus to take in. In our time in Boston it’s just now starting to feel like home. I don’t have many close friends and both of our families are many many miles away so sometimes I feel disjointed in the world. We’ve thought about moving closer to my family and there are advantages to that but then I start to worry if I will feel stuck and won’t get the “culture” that I crave.
As I talked about in my post, I’ve always wanted to move abroad. My husband is from Ireland so for me to live in Europe is not out of the question. He too is like me with our grand ideas (yet, he’s a little more grounded.) We’ve talked about moving to Belgium, Ireland, France, England, etc. Each time the idea gets planted in my head, I go crazy. I am thrilled with excitement and start researching “life” in these countries endlessly until my head pops off. Sure I might have a romanticized view of life in Europe, I’ll admit that. I did live in London briefly (on my own.) It was a great growing experience but I would’ve enjoyed it much more if I had someone to explore this new journey with.
When I “move myself around the world” I always end with crippling self doubt and I’m incredibly nervous. I seem to have overwhelmed myself again. It must be the hsp in me. All of this traveling in the States and possibility of traveling to Europe is life changing (good & bad.) As I said earlier, I love being in my home but what happens when “home” keeps changing. Is it just the thrill of the chase that I enjoy?
Sometimes I question if this is who I really am or if this is who I wish I was.
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